Expression+-+Speak+for+Yourself+with+Clarity+and+Power

**Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen ** **Workshop by: Christina A. Pascucci ** **Tuesday, November 8, 2011 **
 * Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power **

==== Difficult conversations are just that; they are not easy, but the message still needs to be conveyed and you can be effective if you express yourself clearly. There are three parts to having a difficult conversation: First, you should talk about the situation by discussing it from the perspective of a third person. Secondly, you must listen to the other person’s perspective and want to understand from where they are coming. Lastly, in order for a difficult conversation to be a successful one, you must actually express yourself with clarity and power, which what will be the focus here. ====

==== It must be remembered that eloquence, persuasion, and to impress are not the goals within difficult conversations, but being able to provide an open and honest explanation is the goal. And these conversations do not have to end up the way one party hopes they will go; he or she just has to fulfill the goal of delivering the information that is important to them within the scenario. Differences in how the parties see the situation should be discussed to help with further understanding of each other’s point of view. In addition, there are several pitfalls that hinder people from expressing themselves clearly. ====

==== The first step to self expression is knowing that you are entitled; by entitlement, it is meant that each person should feel like their views and feelings are legitimate, worthwhile, and significant, just as someone else’s views and feelings are as well. You must also be aware of self-sabotage, which is the notion that we do not feel entitled and therefore do not deserve to be heard. For example, we self-sabotage by trying (but not too hard), we wait too long to speak, we forget our resources, and we forget what our points were that we wanted to mention. If this happens, you should ask yourself why you do not feel entitled and then ask yourself what you would need to get past this feeling. ====

==== When we fail to express ourselves, we risk disconnecting ourselves from or damaging relationships we have. Challenge within relationships can harm relationships, but lack of any challenge can be just as harmful because there may be something missing. When you do not share yourself with someone else for whatever reason (i.e. fear of not being respect, admired, or agreed with) you deny them the opportunity of knowing the whole or real you. When we hide parts of ourselves, we end up hiding much of ourselves and essentially become a different person within the relationship. In relationships, it can be difficult to express oneself, but true expression gives people and the relationships they are in together the opportunity to develop and grow. Relationships that experience expression are then more comfortable and beneficial to the people within them. ====

==== Feeling entitled and encouraged to express yourself is good, but nevertheless you should not feel obligated. It is not something to beat yourself up over. If you are truly not comfortable with expressing yourself in a given situation and will be fine sleeping having not expressed yourself, than that is fine. True self expression is a process that people must develop within themselves; it is not meant to be something for which you punish yourself. ====

==== After you find your sense of entitlement, you then must figure out what exactly it is that you want to say. It is said that you should speak to the heart of the matter, meaning you should share what is most important to you, but all too often we do not. A way to make sure you are doing this is by asking yourself questions like, “Have I said what I really wanted to say? Have I shared the important things that were on my mind?” If not, ask yourself why you have not and figure out how you might be able to do so. ====

==== There are many tips for saying what you mean to say. The vast majority of people are most likely not mind readers, so do not make people guess what you want them to know. First, do not rely on subtext when trying to convey messages; subtext is indirectly giving messages, using jokes, asking questions (and hoping for the answers you want), using offhand comments, or your body language. These indirect methods are just not effective when trying to communicate messages that are important to you. Subtext also seems like passive aggressive communication, which I am sure many people have experienced with others. Either bring up the topic or do not; kind of bringing up a topic may actually cause more problems because the topic can become confusing between the parties. Subtext seems to happen in couples a lot when they dance around talking about an issue or concern. It is better to figure out what you what to say and say it directly, so the message does not get lost in the subtext. As nice as it would be to have a mate, best friend, supervisor, etc to know straightforwardly what our needs and interests were without having to ask, it just does not seem to be in the cards. ====

==== In addition to avoiding subtext, you should avoid easing in; easing in is when a message is delivered indirectly through hints and leading questions in attempts to soften a message. This often happens in performance evaluations, like “How do //you// think you’ve done?” This method can lead to anxiety and defensiveness on both sides of the conversation; it can also lead to confusion. ====

==== One more thing to avoid when expressing yourself is making it too simplistic. When trying to be simple, we often end up being incomplete and not getting out what we wanted to say. To avoid oversimplifying, it is suggested that you use the Me-Me And to connect multiple aspects of what you are thinking and feeling and the show the importance of each part (as opposed to using Or or But). Example: I think you are bright and talented, //and// I think you are not working hard enough. This method is also helpful in avoiding being misunderstood, as is seen as helpful in beginning a difficult conversation. ====

====1. Don’t Present Your Conclusions as //The// Truth – Since our own beliefs, opinions, and judgments are our experiences, we often see them as fact. Remember: facts are facts, but everyone’s opinions are valid; they are just not facts. ==== ====2. Share Where Your Conclusions Came From – Share the information you have and how you interpreted it; be sure to share them as your conclusions and opinions, not as the conclusion of the scenario. Often your life experiences will affect what you think and why. ==== ====3. Don’t Use “Always” and “Never” (They Are Exaggerations) – This often happens in the heat of the moment; we use exaggerations to express frustrations. These terms are not accurate, since they are definitive words, and they make changing behavior of a person more difficult, since those words would suggest they cannot. Communicate your feelings in a way that invites and encourages the change you hope to happen. ====

Caption: Probably the opposite of inviting and encouraging!

(Yes, another John Mayer song!) John Mayer - Say Some selected lyrics: Have no fear for giving in Have no fear for giving over You'd better know that in the end Its better to say too much Then never say what you need to say again Even if your hands are shaking And your faith is broken Even as the eyes are closing Do it with a heart wide open Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say Say what you need to say media type="custom" key="11178716" align="center"
 * ====<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Remember: Different people take in information differently. ====
 * ====<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ask them to paraphrase back to you to ensure understanding. ====
 * ====<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ask how they see it differently – and why. ====
 * ====<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Communication is back and forth – involves speaking AND listening. (Be sure to consider both of those skills when communicating.) ====

__Some Things to Think About:__ “Since we have two ears and one mouth, perhaps we should listen twice as much as we speak.” -Anonymous “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” – Common in wedding ceremonies (Don’t miss your opportunity to say what is on your mind.)