Vulnerable+Identities-The+All+or+Nothing+Syndrome

Vulnerable Identities: The All or Nothing Syndrome COMM 560: Communication Issues for leaders FALL 2011 Aleathia Shannon

There are many things people misinterpret on a daily bases. Many of these things are often overlooked because it stimulates from one's opinion. One of the biggest things that can be said and often overlooked is the deliverance and acceptance of our criticism. Criticism is not just something that we give but more importantly in how it is accepted. Criticism can be defined as any judgment of the merits and faults of the work or actions of another individual or group by another person. To criticize someone or something does not necessarily imply that he or she found any faults but the word is often taken to mean the simple expression of an objection against the objective of another or disapproval.The bases of adjusting to criticism can be given as such:

[|Presentation handout[1.ppt]]

In this map, the process of adjusting to criticism is given. According to our textbook //Building Bridges Not Walls// by John Stewart, accepting criticism is only the beginning of the criticism process. Once we receive this criticism people tend to react one of two ways. Due to people claiming ownership of the piece being criticized, we immediately become defensive. Becoming defensive about things that we have consumed ownership over puts up the notion that our project is perfect. This often gives off the impression that the things we put forth can not be any better. Unfortunately, even the most "perfect" projects can be altered for the better based on people's difference in opinion. Another reaction to criticism is over exaggeration. Jumping to a defensive stance and expressing information such as "if you don't like the way I do it, don’t ever ask me to do anything else" is a far stretch in displaying unappreciated criticism. Unfortunately, throughout our lives we will all be criticized for something. Understanding what to look for in the criticism is what is most important and most often forgotten.

Saving your reaction until you process this information should be your first reaction. Processing criticism should be done by first understanding that nothing is perfect. Regardless of how much time we consume perfecting a work project, school paper, or fashion outfit, there will always be room for improvement. Therefore, as we present these projects, be prepared for the criticism that may follow. The underlining factor here is that 100% of the time we will never please everyone all the time. With the expression in our mind, criticism is not something that will be taken personally. Here is where we find the most critical part of adjusting to criticism. We must know ourselves. When we know ourselves then it is easy for us to pinpoint our weaknesses. Weaknesses can be flaws in the structure of our project, titles, or anything related to our project that we may have left out. Knowing where your weak points lye is critical because once these weak points are attacked, you will be more accepting to the situation. Remember, that we now have the notion that we can not please everyone all the time. Lastly, we assess the criticism. Know what to take from the criticism and what was just aimless talk. Criticism "fluff" is the things that are added to criticism that are completely irrelevant to the project at hand. This "fluff" only points out things just so that you hear it. For example, if a student handed in a paper and they received a C with a page of red writing, we understand that criticism or feedback was given. A professor may have written the feedback and included statements such as: "You clearly understand the topic discussed in class. However, I would have never written this paper like this. Here we use APA and you clearly used MLA. None of the other students did this so I hope you fix this problem, resubmit this paper and try not to do it again." This criticism could be viewed as harsh and if the student feels that they have spent a decent amount of time on this paper, they now possess pride in it. Following the suggested steps provided above, the student can now adjust to the criticism, not be so quick to deny that his paper format was wrong or over-exaggerate the situation and not care about completing future papers for this professor. The student will be able to reflect on the possible weak points of the paper and assess what feedback can be useful to that professor. If he reads the feedback carefully, he will understand that the structure of the paper was wrong. He would also understand that he has another opportunity for a better grade by simply resubmitting the paper in the format the professor asked him for in the first place. It is also a great idea to end with a positive. The student should not forget the the professor understands that he has a graps on the class material. Nothing else in this feedback is important and therefore should be disregarded.

Lastly, criticism is a two way street. There is much to learn about giving and receiving criticism. However, knowing yourself and what to look for in criticism makes all the difference in our behavior of the situation and how constructive the criticism actually is. Below I have listed a few types of criticism. There are many types of criticism: -Logical and factual criticism -Negative and constructive criticism -Practical and theoretical criticism -Moral and scientific criticism These are by no means the only forms of criticism found to date but they are the most common. //Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain… and most fools do.// ~ Dale Carnegie

Overall, when it comes to criticism I tend to do 5 different things:

1). Keep an open mind –there is no need to deny or over exaggerate the situation.

2). Have fun with it- I just smile and say thank you or look directly at them and nod agreeing “yea, maybe I could have...”

3). Distinguish between feedback and insults- not all criticism is constructive. I take what I need and throw the rest out!

4). Understand who is criticizing me- Is this person really qualified to be telling me anything? Can I use it anyway if they are not?

5). Let it goooooooooo!!!!!!- there is no need in being upset over anything that will ruin my day. I like my smiling face and it looks rather good on me! J

media type="youtube" key="hvfaYsv7p8E" height="315" width="420" [] Defensive Criticism media type="youtube" key="FYQxLhlUtr0" height="315" width="560" Bill Gates recent ABC interview []


 * Class Note: I have posted a few things here to watch. Hopefully they can be seen*

Here is a fun article I found on criticism, it should be benificial in giving criticism:

The 4-1-1 On Constructive Criticism Being critical is easy, and offering criticism seems easier still. Yet constructive criticism - - the more refined and effective brand of critical feedback - - is like an art when compared to nagging, nit-picking and negativity. Nothing makes most people bristle more quickly than unfair, unskillful, or unsolicited criticism. Yet there are times when offering constructively critical feedback is essential to maintaining excellence and strong relationships. The best way to skillfully offer constructive criticism depends heavily on the nature of the relationships and personalities in any given situation, so this article will offer a few pointers rather than an exhaustive primer on the subject. Yet a few tips on how to be more skillful - - if implemented mindfully - - can make an enormous difference. Some tips include: Realize that relationships matter. Is a husband criticizing a wife, an employer criticizing an employee, a supervisor criticizing a direct report, a project leader criticizing a team member, or a colleague criticizing a peer? Some approaches for offering constructive criticism can be applied in all cases, and in all cases success depends on the agreements that are in place - - and understood by both parties. For example, an employer providing a critique of an employee' s performance rests on a foundation of the agreements made at the start of the employment relationship about the employee' s role and the employer' s expectations. A colleague criticizing a coworker can require a more delicate approach, because the same assumptions regarding authority are not in place. Also, remember that one of the most important priorities is to maintain a positive, respectful relationship with the person once the discussion has drawn to a close! Review assumptions. Most people automatically assume that they' re right and everyone else is wrong, and it' s their mission in life to correct others! From the other side of the discussion, though, it seems a lot more like unproductive, demotivating criticism. One great thing to do before you lob criticism at someone else is to review where you might be making assumptions about the relationship, expectations or how the person is approaching a project or situation. For example, if you' re about to criticize someone for "never listening," your assumptions might include your perception that you' ve been clear in your communication or seeing expectations from the same place. In fact, neither may be true. Scouting potential assumptions can help set the foundation for a more positive discussion or feedback-sharing session. Relax and center before meeting. If we're anxious about providing critical feedback, or feeling frustrated or resentful about another person's behavior or performance, we might be tempted to head into a feedback-sharing discussion in a state of stress. The better choice is, after reviewing tips like these to put the discussion in proper perspective, is to take a few minutes to relax, breathe slowly and deeply, remember our highest intentions for the meeting and for sharing our feedback. Whether you say a prayer or borrow a few relaxation or mindset management tips from your favorite athlete or self-help book, making an effort to relax and center will make a positive difference in the tone of your meeting, and you'll be more likely to be skillful rather than reactionary in your discussion. Share intentions. Before offering criticism, check your own intentions for wanting to let someone else know what they' ve done wrong or what could be refined in their behavior or performance. This provides a good litmus test for whether the issue under critique is really a matter of preference, work style or worse, your own problem. Then preface your criticism by sharing your intentions. For example, you might say, "My intention for wanting to talk with you is that I want our group' s work to be excellent, and something we can all be proud of" or "My intention for needing to say this is that I' m feeling very frustrated that I might be getting taken advantage of here, and it' s important for me that we maintain a positive working relationship." Clarify expectations. Murky or unvoiced expectations create problems when it' s time to provide feedback, including constructive criticism, of someone else' s behavior or performance. In addition to sharing your intentions for the discussion, you might want to share your perspective on how you understand any working agreements or your own expectations for the situation or the other person' s performance or behavior. Doing so might sound something like, "My understanding of the project is that you were going to be handling meeting logistics by Friday afternoon and forward that information to me." Ask questions (and listen to the responses). Another great way to collect information that will help you to unveil unclear expectations, misperceptions or lack of clarity is to ask questions. The opposite, of course, is just doing all of the talking (which comes perilously close to assuming that you' re correct in your perception of the situation!). Before providing constructive feedback, it would be great to ask questions and learn more about how the other person understood his role and assignments, how they understand any agreements, what they thought you or others expected of him, and how he felt about his performance on those contributions to date. Often, as you listen to someone' s responses to questions, you have at least one "Aha!" moment that enriches your own understanding, which then allows you to provide much more constructive feedback. Speak respectfully. Think about it: Nothing seems worse than being yelled out, scolded, or just "talked at." And all of those seem even less constructive if you feel that what' s coming at you is biased, inaccurate or unfair, and that you' ve not been offered a chance to share your perspective on the matter (and felt like someone actually listened!). In any discussion, and particularly one where you' ll be offering criticism, it' s important to listen, to ask questions, to ensure that you' ve made clear that what you' re sharing is your perspective rather than a judgment or indictment of the other person. It' s much nicer to participate in an information-sharing dialogue - - where both people get to speak and listen - - than it is to feel like your before the Inquisition! See the positive as well as the negative. Studies show that many people feel criticized, bullied or ostracized more than appreciated at work, and a fair percentage of people leave their place of employment because of such interpersonal problems with supervisors or colleagues. One great practice is to, before your meeting where you' ll be providing feedback to coworkers (including managers or persons you supervise), is to make a list of things that you really appreciate about the individual with whom you' ll be sharing feedback. Remember - - positive attributes only, and include at least five on your list. Then, once you' ve shared your intentions about the meeting, share the "what I really appreciate about you and your work" list before moving on to constructive criticism. You can also wrap the meeting with a recap of positive thoughts. These are just a few of the things to consider before providing critical feedback to another person, and the tips can be "flipped" if you' re the one receiving critical feedback! This information provides food for thought rather than counsel specifically designed to meet the needs of your organization. Please use it mindfully. The most effective leadership, interpersonal and organizational communication plans are those that have been tailored to meet your unique needs and organizational culture, so don't hesitate to contact us or get assistance from a qualified adviser. //, CA. [|San Francisco] in [|Ivy Sea, Inc.] // Copyright © 1997-2001 IvySea Online Communication, San Francisco. All rights reserved. Limited duplication or distribution allowed with prior permission from and credit to IvySea Online Commnication.